Get The Sugar

WHAT THE HELL...

2005-08-18T11:07:00.000-04:00

Are you still doing here? Go to getthesugar.com!

Introducing...

2005-08-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

Hello. GettheSugar.com isn't done yet. Eat me. We'll get there.

Today, I want to welcome my dear friend Jason Eldridge.

That's not him, but I figure that's the best way for me to get him to send me a picture to use. I don't understand Jason some of the time, but he likes videogames, and I get bored easily, so he's going to help keep the fires of my interest stoked.

So I asked Jason to help me generate content for Get the Sugar. I won't patronize you with a more dolled up way of saying it. He's generate content to keep you (the reader) coming back for more so my .37 advertising checks keep rolling in.

I offer no explanation for Jason's first piece, in which he decides to generate content by hiring a character from "Cats" to do it for him. I offer only a prayer, a silent prayer for the sanity of you and all that your life touches.

Ask Mr. Mistoffelees

GTS: Mr. Mistoffelees, why now?

MM: Why not?

GTS: Does it have to be right now?

MM: Brilliant! Let’s begin.

GTS: Umm…I’m embarrassed to say that I have no clue where to begin or what to talk to you about. I am not even sure why we're asking you anything.

(Mr. Mistoffelees begins breathing heavily)

MM: Magical!

GTS: What is the one thing you have always wanted an interviewer to ask you?

MM: How does one do the Can Can, if he clearly Can’t Can’t?

GTS: …

MM: Answer me! ...goddamn you.

GTS: I’m not sure.

MM: I’m not sure? I’m not sure? We need to reevaluate just why we are meeting here tonight. I don’t usually take kindly to strangers milling around in my alley and I sure as HELL don’t humor the ridiculous notion that you have met me here without an agenda.

GTS: We need your help Mr. Mistoffelees.

MM: (lushly) With what, you smarmy prick? With what?

GTS: We want…we want to hire you.

MM: You magnificent bastard! I would just as soon shit outside my litter box then continue this conversation.

(Mr. Mistoffelees begins to walk away)

GTS: YOU NEED US TOO YOU KNOW! YOU HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

MM: (turning as if he was catching a prowler) Why you terrible tarantula! You cunning canary! You fantastic fox! (Singsong, in a terrifying way) And not long ago this phenomenal cat produced seven kittens right out of a hat. And we all say Oh! Well I never, was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffolees!

GTS: That’s what we want! That…that…magic!

MM: And what prêt ell, would you have me do with it?

GTS: We need you to review movies.

MM: (guffawing like a drunken animal at the end of his rope) Ha Hu Ha Ha Ohh Ohh…

(Mr. Mistoffelees begins coughing uncontrollably)

MM: (regaining composure and whispering through an irritated throat) I’ll do it, but fuck you!

GTS: …

MM: (gagging)...fuck…you.

GTS: Thank you. You won’t regret this. I promise.

So, if we're lucky we'll see Mistoffelees reviewing hit films on the soon-to-be-completed GettheSugar.com. And maybe I'll see my sanity, which Mr. Eldridge and his friend have so lovingly extracted from me.

Off My Line, Ringo

2005-08-10T12:22:00.000-04:00

Well, good news, my half-imagined battalion of diehard fans. The admittedly unwieldy http://getthesugar.blogspot.com can now be accessed through http://www.getthesugar.com.

That's like, five fewer keystrokes.

I'll be attempting to set up, you know, servers and the like over the next few days, so there won't be any fresh jocularity.

I will leave you with this thought though:

Peter Jennings dies, a nation mourns.

Mark Cohn, writer of early 90s hit "Walking in Memphis":Can not be killed by conventional weapons.

Am I the only one who sees the obvious thing to do here?

Mark Cohn should be the next lead anchor of the ABC Nightly News. As an immortal, he'll be sure to be the most trusted name in news, because why would he lie? He's impervious to physical harm.

P.S.: See if this shit isn't the saddest short story ever:

Cohnheads will be thrilled to see Cohn back at the zoo for a fourth performance. Winning a Grammy for "Best New Artist" in 1991, enjoying a mammoth hit single for "Walking in Memphis," and seeing his debut album go Platinum, Cohn is one of the most personal, introspective lyricists of his generation. One account described Cohn's debut album as "a collection of well-observed meditations on dislocation, commitment, the quest for love, and the belief that tomorrow will be a better day." His third album, "Burning Daze," represents Cohn's most optimistic, uplifting work. Another bonus for his fans is Cohn plans to release his fourth and latest album sometime in 2005.

"Cohnheads"? Oh, I should think not.

Dr. Strangehair, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Adam Sessler

2005-08-08T10:11:00.000-04:00

Your earliest recollections of seeing videogames on TV probably involve "X-Play" host Adam Sessler...unless you ever saw "Saturday Morning Supercade" or "Captain N the Game Master"...or the "Super Mario Bros. Super Show." All right, you're missing the point. What I'm trying to say is that Adam Sessler has been in the game for a while.

When I was a young man of 18, just watching Adam Sessler spring up on my TV and start talking about videogames, I certainly had my reservations.

...OK, I thought he was a tool. His first show, "Gamespot TV" was the closest thing I had ever seen to a real program about videogaming, and I didn't know why the hell this guy was the face of the revolution. It was sort of like if they finally began offering boat trips to Atlantis and Gallagher was the coxswain.

In my mind, he perpetuated the sort of "edgy" gamer stereotype that I've worked so hard to thwart by wearing cardigans and listening to The Cardigans.

Over the years, I developed the sort of feud with Sessler that I have with post-"Danger Zone" Kenny Loggins, that is to say, completely in my head and never acted upon. Sure, I'd watch his show, but only in the way that you eat Ramen: you'll put it in your belly, but only because you have nothing else.

However, I had an epiphany recently. There were no bribe attempts, no blubbering, I simply decided that my Sessler negativity (a bias I assume I'm not alone in) wasn't doing me any good and, in a way, I imagined it was hurting Adam. So I set out to find...

SIX DARN GOOD REASONS TO LOVE ADAM SESSLER:

1. He's just as puritanical as I am:

From AdamSessler.com:

If I could change one thing about G4, I’d get rid of most of the sexual content that saturates every program. Don’t get me wrong, I think sex is great… I just think it‘s boring when it becomes so blatant that it’s not innuendo anymore.

Hell yeah, my man, shine up them buckle shoes and lets split a cornucopia.

2. He looks like the lovechild of

Dan Wilson, lead singer of Semisonic

and Dennis the Menace.

Smart money here was making the Calvin comparison. But no, I go with Semisonic. It's this sort of bold choice I believe Adam would appreciate.

3.He's fucking bulletproof:

From Wikipedia:

Sessler is one of only six TechTV personalities, including Sarah Lane, Morgan Webb, Kevin Rose, Chi-Lan Lieu, and Brendan Moran, to survive the massive layoffs resulting from the May 2004 merger of G4 and TechTV.

You think you can ditch my man Adam? Don't even trip. "Teflon Adam," that's what they call him in the hood. Think you can fire Adam Sessler? Allow me to disabuse you of that notion. Adam Sessler is a loco-loco, and that (I believe) is Spanish for "crazy train." You can't fire a crazy train.

4. He, at one time, controlled all the world's money:

From G4:

I worked as a credit analyst for a very large multinational financial institution and helped determine if various Fortune 500 companies were worthy of multi-million dollar lines of credit.

Did you do that today, Johnny Forumbitcher? No, didn't think so.

5. He's outlived a dozen co-hosts, and he'll outlive a dozen more.

I'm looking at you Morgan Webb.

6. He doesn't hate Kevin Rose:

Again from AdamSessler.com:

"I don't hate Kevin Rose!"

Adam Sessler didn't do anything to you. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't talk shit about you in forums. So let's show him the same courtesy, OK?

Oh, that applies unless you're the guy that runs What Adam Sessler Wore. In that case, you love Mr. Sessler quite enough.

World of Warcraft Review by Sweatshop Gold Farmer

2005-08-04T13:43:00.000-04:00

In my continuing quest to never have to review a game on my own, I've enlisted even more special help in the arduous task. I wanted to feature a review of a hot MMORPG, and who better to help me out than someone who plays the game for pennies an hour?

Please welcome Kipopo, a World of Warcraft gold farmer, to Get the Sugar.

Justin McElroy: Hello Kipopo, welcome to America.

Kipopo: is the eat eat now?

JM: Hold your horses there, buckaroo. I'm going to need a little more reviewin' first.

K: you swear eat eat!

JM: Yes, after you review the game. So, Kipopo, you play videogames for a living. That must be so exciting.

K: (crumples to a heap on the floor)

(A few hours pass, after Kipopo is given a child-size Frosty, he seems refreshed.)

I hate click! Hate type!

JM: Yes, well. Let's get to the meat of the review. World of Warcraft features the incredible art direction that Blizzard is known for...does that help make the experience more engrossing?

K: when I have played for 16 hour in dungeon, sometimes I talk to the trees in village. I pay them gold for my freedom, but Kipopo never free. I like pictures of lady night elves.

JM: As do we all. (slaps Kipopo heartily on back)

K: (screaming) Aaagghhh!

JM: What? What's wrong.

K: scurvy makes slap hurty.

JM: Sorry. So, let's talk character interaction. Do you have many friends on the server?

K: when I still knew freedom, I would try to tell people in game to free Kipopo, now I have forgotten freedom, did I dream freedom?

JM: I don't know...probably. OK, replay value. Kipopo, let me ask you this:
What keeps you coming back to World of Warcraft?

K: the whip.

JM: Sorry?

K: Su-Tong's whip, he makes us kiss the leather handle. We are must call his whip "Mrs. Surly." When I stop play Su-Tong shout at me "KIPOPO! PLAY OR YOU AND MRS.SURLY HAVE MANY DATE!" I cry, and return to the battle.

JM: Ahh yes, the never-ending struggle for gold, talents and power.

K: no, battle to keep me from hanging myself by mouse cord during 15-minute lunch.

JM: I'm afraid you might be biased against the title because of your playing conditions. Could you describe them?

K: my chair is made of splinters that have been glued together with used Bubble Tape...the computer screen is powered by pedals I must always push with feet...I get the gold, yes...always must get gold...I am not allowed to wear shirt until I have made so many gold....

JM: How was the lighting?

K:...no light...no light...

JM: Were you a fan of Blizzard before this title?

K: (begins to cry) WHY YOU SAY HIS NAME!? WHY YOU SAY HIS NAME!?!

JM: What? Blizzard?

K: (beginning to scream even louder) AGGGHHH! THE BLIZZ!..he come for you...he put the monsters in the box that Kipopo must kill...blizz have all the gold...even Su-Tong afraid of blizz...Mrs. Surly, too...Su-Tong say blizz kill my family, so I can never go home...

JM: So...umm...what do you think of Blackwing Lair?

K: Lame, it's too easy if you l33t, and the mobs are rehashed.

JM: I hear you little fella.

K: Eat eat now?

JM: Yeah Kipopo...eat eat now.

Exclusive Interview with Jessica Chobot, Noted PSP Licker

2005-08-03T08:56:00.000-04:00

Well, this was quite an exclusive. I ran into noted PSP licker Jessica Chobot (see picture below) at a popular late-night hot spot yesterday, and was able to grab this exclusive interview.

Justin McElroy: Well, hey hey hey.

Jessica Chobot, noted PSP licker: (pretends not to hear)

JM: I'm sorry, I said "Hello."

JC,NPSPL: (continuing not to hear)

JM: I HAVE A BOMB!

JC,NPSPL: Excuse me, are you speaking to me?

JM: I said, "You're the bomb!"

JC,NPSPL: (forced, yet terrified grin) Thank you, uhh...you're the...bomb too.

JM: So you want to...you know...see my PSP?

JC,NPSPL: I'm sorry, do you work here or something?

JM: No, I'm Justin McElroy.

JC,NPSPL: (Blank stare.)

JM: Yes, that Justin McElroy...from Get the Sugar?

JC,NPSPL: (Somehow, a blanker stare.)

JM: It's OK if you're in shock, that's common.

JC,NPSPL: I'm sorry, I'm real messed up.

JM: (inches closer) So, what do you say we get out of here and take some exploitive photos of you licking common household items?

JC,NPSPL: Hey, I don't appreciate being treated like a sex object, I'm a real gamer!

JM: I know, dumplin'. Hey, what does a PSP taste like? I bet it's not dignity.

JC,NPSPL: I'm serious! Check out this quote from an interview IGN did with me!

I mean, don't sell me Nintendo's bullsh*t, because their display at—I mean I don't know what PlayStation and Xbox [had] because I'm not cool enough to sneak into theirs—but, that little GameBoy Micro? What a piece of crap. Talk about Ikea junk. The first you say… you don't say, "This isn't any new technology, we just gave it a different faceplate and made it smaller." That's so stupid.

JM: (slaps Chobot with the white-hot power of 1000 suns)

JC,NPSPL: (trying to hide her arousal) HEY! What the hell was that?!

JM: I just remembered why we, the gaming public, should all be ignoring you.

JC,NPSPL: Why?

JM: Because you're dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

JC,NPSPL: But...

JM: Look at what you said! That doesn't make one God damn lick (Ed. Note: Ha, ha! good one Justin!) of sense.

JM: GET OUT THE CAR!

JC,NPSPL: But we're not in a-

JM: GET OUT THE GOD DAMN CAR!

This is about when I got thrown out of the bar. It's OK, we were winding down any way. Thanks to Jessica for coming to Get the Sugar. Need to vent? Check out Radical Chobot Slayer

I Don't Want to Be Afraid

2005-08-01T10:33:00.000-04:00

There's been a bit of hoopla about the release of the PSP 2.0 firmware lately, and I was thrilled to find that there were actual features attached to this one, as opposed to just a shot of digital steroids for the little bouncer that keeps Mario out of my PSP.

The new Web browser was nice, if for no other reason than not making me feel like an idiot for updating earlier.

Yes, I was one of those fools that updated my firmware before I knew that I was fundamentally pooping inside of my PSP. Everyday, it seems like non-updaters found some new amazing use for their machines ("It brought my dog back to life!", "It found the beef!") Now they'll all be humbled by my ability to look at Web sites.

(By the way, as much as I appreciate putting the Internet into my PSP, how about putting it into something that pales in funparison to playing video games? Like...books. Put the Internet in to books, and I'll be happy.)

I'll be honest though, the whole PSP hacking movement terrifies me. I hate the idea that with more computer savvy, I could be squeezing more delicious fun from the nectarine that is my Playstation Portable. I hate knowing that if I was more familiar with Perl or A++ or whatever you nerds learn about that's not girls then I could be emitting a white, healing light from the PSP screen, or even playing Kabuki Quantum Fighter.

Here's a stone cold fact: a console is a computer you can't fuck up.

Sorry to burst your bubble Xbox and PS2 fanboys, but it's the truth. Cross-stitch it into a pillow and cry yourself to sleep. Old people and I are afraid of computers for the same reason: because we know that with a few wrong clicks, we could turn the whole thing into the world's largest jewel case and the world's shittiest mirror.

Those who are not as technically inclined have long known there's one thing that you can do to kill your console:

Remove the memory card. I don't know what will happen, but I know I'll want to commit hari-kari afterwards.

So when words like "hack" start getting thrown around my consoles, I get understandably scared, I don't want to be able to screw up my PSP. I want the man to tell me what games I can and can't play, and I want to know that I'm not the only one. The fun you can wring from a $250 console should not be in any way connected to your technical prowess.

Hacks will always be attempted, but if Sony wants to keep me from feeling slighted, they'll either make it tougher on them, or a whole lot easier on the rest of us. Believe me, I'm the guy hoping the bouncer eases up and lets my man Mario in.

EDIT: I'm clarifying a little bit. What I'm saying is not that hacking is difficult. I mean, it is for me, but so is weight-lifting, and I don't think we should outlaw that. What I'm saying is that the divide between a "safer" PSP and a "more useful" PSP should not be so pronounced, and as opposed to fighting the hacking efforts, this sort of thing should be facilitated to the point where even the non-tech savvy can do it. Dig?

P.S. That picture of the girl licking the PSP is the funniest thing that I've ever seen. If you find it arousing, I'd prefer that you and I not see each other anymore.

You Don't Know What Happened to Jellyvision

2005-07-28T10:15:00.000-04:00

If you ever told your middle-aged uncle that you liked video games, here's what he would inevitably say: "You like games? Oh, I've got one on my computer that you have to try!" Here's where you take the walk to his computer, hoping it's not Mine Sweeper.

But it wasn't. It was a trivia game of some sort, where the host was actually funny, and seemed to be as close to real as you could imagine computers being in 1997. The game was "You Don't Know Jack," and I loved it. Until, of course, it fell off the face of the earth.

Did you notice? I mean, it was there, and then it wasn't. Like Hypercolor, except people actually cared. Or, at least, I did. I cared enough to get some gorram answers.

Big thanks to Amanda Lannert, president of Jellyvision, for taking the time to answer my questions. Oh, and keep in mind as you read this that I am a giant YDKJ nerd. I mean, I have the audio version "You Don't Hear Jack" in my car RIGHT NOW. So, forgive me if I sound like I'm interviewing John Lennon.

I guess it's been about three years since the last Jack title was released. Jack 6: The Lost Gold. This is a brand that was popular enough to inspire a television show, and dozens of different incarnations. Then it just sort of...vanished, David Copperfield style. What happened?

Well, Justin, you pretty much hit it on the head. It did indeed “vanish.” Literally. We’re pretty sure we put the YKDJ franchise down on the counter in the Jellyvision kitchen one day and when we turned back around, it was gone! We looked everywhere: behind the refrigerator, in the silverware drawer, in the recycling bin. Nothing.

Well, needless to say, without the franchise, our relationship with Sierra (our old publisher) was kind of pointless. We never told them we what really happened – we just kind of stopped returning their calls. What could we say? “Sorry, we lost the franchise in the kitchen?” That’s on par with “the dog ate my homework.” Sure, we kept looking for the franchise whenever we had a chance but by then we were pretty much convinced it was gone forever.

Then one day, while replacing the couch cushions after the daily lunchtime pillow fight, one of the programmers noticed something sticking out of the ottoman. Wouldn’t you know it -- it was the missing YDKJ franchise! It had apparently been wedged in there years earlier during one of our famous Jellyvision “bull sessions.”

Well, we decided then and there that we were no longer going to let our precious franchise out of our site. So now we keep it close to home on our website (www.ydkj.com) for all to enjoy (and purchase). Check out the latest and greatest - YOU DON'T KNOW JACK 6: The Lost Gold, and almost the entire back catalog, now updated for Windows XP, available exclusively at www.ydkj.com.

What is Jellyvision working on now? Will the Interactive Conversation Interface (iCi) be rearing it's head anytime soon?

The Interactive Conversation Interface has been rearing its iCi little head all over the place, of late. Jellyvision has recently created a phone-based interactive experience in partnership with 888.YES.8888. By dialing the number, users have access to the playlists of virtually every radio station in the country. They can interact with the service to download songs, get artist information and even purchase ringtones and CDs.

We’ve also partnered with ConnectEdu.com, a company that provides students with the guidance necessary to maximize their educational potential. We created an interactive tool that helps prospective college students find the best-suited college for them. As with typical Jellyvision tools, the experience is fun, informative and, dare we say, “hip.”

We’ve also done work with hospitals, software developers and a national insurance agency. Check out the “Demos” section of the Jellyvision website for some examples.

In general, what did you take away from working in gaming that you're still using?

The most important thing we learned from working in gaming is, if you’re going to provide transportation for Regis Philbin, make it a town car instead of a taxi.

The other thing we learned is that whatever you’re doing, do it because you love it, not because you want to make a bunch of loot from it. With the Wal-Marts and the consolidation of all the game companies out there, it’s next to impossible to make a lot of money in the world of gaming today. If you work on projects that you really believe in, surround yourself with talented and creative people and play to your strengths, you may not become a billionaire but, at the end of the day, you’ll end up feeling good about what you’re creating and people will probably dig it.

Will we ever see another game from Jellyvision? Is the demand from fans still there? I realize my personal will power isn't enough to make it happen.

The demand is certainly there. In fact, we are bombarded on a daily basis with emails from fans who demand all kinds of things from us – most of which are too disgusting to mention. When all the planets align and we find the right game and the right audience, you’ll definitely see another game from Jellyvision. And it will most likely involve badgers.

Is the next generation of consoles of any interest to Jellyvision? With the increase in online capabilities, is that something that you guys would like to take advantage of?

Well, YDKJ was originally envisioned as the perfect experience for Interactive TV – to be played by a bunch of friends on a couch, rather than crowded around a keyboard. We’re certainly interested in technology, particularly broadband, that provides the opportunity for a meaningful, two-way interaction between the user and the characters in a program. As the technology advances, so too will the seamlessness of the experience. But we really feel that the interactive potential for our experiences will be realized once every American owns a rocket-powered jetpack.

UPDATE! Everyone's friend Jeffool has been so kind as to start a goddamn revolution.

Well, that's today's Sugar folks, I'll be back after the weekend with more jocularity.

New "Honest" Guest Reviewer

2005-07-27T10:09:00.000-04:00

As part of my plan to eventually overthrow the Internet, I have hired a new employee. After all the talk about appealing to girl gamers, and even that old lady gamer that everyone seems so smitten with (she's old, people, it's either gaming or some more dying slowly) there's one demographic that no one is appealing to.

Dead presidents.

So, I'd like everyone to welcome my new guest reviewer...

Abraham Lincoln.

Justin McElroy: Welcome to Get the Sugar, Abe.

Abe: Thank you Justin, good to see you again. As always, I find your short pants and underwear shirt highly inappropriate.

JM: Duly noted. Today, we'll be talking about "FlatOut" by European developer Bugbear for Xbox and PS2.

OK, Abe, let's talk first impressions.

Abe: Well, when you first turned on the...what was it?

JM: Television.

Abe: Ah, yes. Well, I was afraid, I'll be honest. I mean, here's this glowing box with a window on the front that's shouting at me. I think I was screaming.

JM: Uh huh. And cursing like a sailor with Tourette.

Abe: Sorry about that. Anyway, as I was hiding behind your armchair, I began to think, "Hmm, the music the box is shouting at me isn't very good."

JM: OK, so a 2 for the music. Please, continue.

Abe: I remember you thrust that bejeweled black rock in my hand, and I found (through some experimentation) that I could alter the boxes on the screen by shifting the loose stick on the rock. Unfortunately, that's when the panic began to set in again, as I realized that there seemed to be tiny humans trapped inside these boxes that, upon closer inspection, seemed to be speedy metal creatures. But they were behind the window where I was unable to free them.

JM: So you couldn't even tell that the boxes were cars? That sounds like a 4 for graphics.

Abe: What are cars?

JM:...they're like televisions, but faster.

Abe: Yes, well, I thought that somehow I could free the small people, were I able to point their "cars" as you say, at the glass. At the speeds they were traveling, I thought I'd be able to shatter the glass. But my efforts were for naught.

JM: And that sounds like a dismal 3 for controls.

Abe: To my horror, I found that my attempts to steer the cars caused the tiny humans to be ejected through the creature's single glass eye on to the street, and, I'm assuming, be killed instantly.

JM: Is that when you started vomiting?

Abe: Correct.

JM: So, overall, what do you give "FlatOut"?

Abe: Whatever was behind that glass was the most horrific carnival of death man has ever leashed upon any species, let alone these tiny brothers of humanity.

JM: So...a 5?

Abe: Yeah, on PS2. 5.5 on Xbox.

JM: Thanks, Abe.

Abe: No, thank you. And remember...be excellent to each other.

Reviewing Games That I Have Never Played Vol. 1: "That’s So Raven 2: Supernatural Style"

2005-07-25T09:57:00.000-04:00

I’m a busy guy, and frankly I spend most of my time in the mines or with the dance troupe, so I don’t get to play video games very much. You people need me to show you the funny though, and you need me to tell you what’s worth your while. So, I’ve decided to stop playing games, and begin reviewing them without actually ever playing them. I am basing this review solely on what I read on Buena Vista Games' site for “That’s So Raven 2: Supernatural Style.”

Keshia Knight Pulliam never had a video game. I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Rudith Lillian 'Rudy' Huxtable, who taught the world to love, never had her own game.

Raven Symone though, she’s built herself her own little mini-empire. She’s like the Olsen Twins for people that don’t like pairs of things. Do you know how big she is? She’s listed on IMDB as “Raven (VII).” Raven 7. So, she’s not only a mini-mogul, she’s apparently a futuristic killing machine.

Raven 7 has a television show, but that’s not enough. She wants to control your Game Boy, probably as an elaborate, yet futuristic, plot to kill you. That’s why we have “That’s So Raven 2: Supernatural Style.”

OK. Review time.

PLOT:

Raven is back in an all-new adventure for the Game Boy® Advance! Her psychic ability to glimpse into the future gets her into some crazy predicaments, and it will take the help of her friends and family -- Chelsea, Devon, Eddie, Cory and Dad -- to bail her out. This time, Raven’s on her way to the season’s premiere fashion show, but is diverted in a series of hilarious escapades.

Not the most promising start, I’ll admit. In fact, if you see someone about to leap off a bridge as you drive home, shout at them “Hey, don’t do it! Your press release for “That’s So Raven 2: Supernatural Style” wasn’t that bad!” As plots go, it’s not a sound foundation, but it’s just about as logical as anything that Shigeru fellow ever churned out.

RATING: 7.

CAMERA/CONTROL:

Learn to use the "camera," and hone your paparazzi skills as you progress through the game.

That's not a good sign. Either the camera is so terrible that it cannot honestly be called a "camera", or you spend the game taking pictures of celebrities with a pretend camera, which I've learned in my real life can get you in serious trouble.

RATING: 2

GRAPHICS:

No mention of graphics
+ this screen shot

=RATING: Shitty.

REPLAY VALUE:

20 action packed levels take Raven through 6 different environments.

Hmmm. 20 levels of controlling a pretend camera? I'd probably never finish the game.

RATING: Either non-existent or infinite, depending on how you look at it.

OVERALL (not an average): 50

Unrelated, but true side note: Also being released by Buena Vista this week is Disney’s Kim Possible 3: Team Possible. When was taking a break while working at a major electronics retailer back in the day, a guy who worked in the warehouse named Joe sat next to me, waited three seconds and said:

"You know, if I was Ron Stoppable, I would totally do Kim Possible."

I quit the following week.

A Slight Diversion for Wesley Snipes

2005-07-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

This is non-gaming, but don't worry, I'll get us through. Did you see this on Sci-Fi Wire? Apparently Blade will be getting his slice on on the small screen. And I have two words: God dammit.

This is completely ridiculous. If there's one Wesley Snipes property that needs to be adapted to a series, it's, and you know where I'm going with this...

Uh...no.

No sir.

Now you're just being a dick.

Oh yes. Passenger 57.

Think about it, every week he could have to take a plane ride to somewhere, and as he's sitting down, he'd look at his seat number. Uh oh, he's Passenger 57!
He'd barely have time to think, "Oh no, not again." Then, the fireworks would begin.

Maybe one week, the Wes would have to fight a bunch of terrorists, but badder terrorists than in the movie. Super bad.

Then, maybe there'd be a poignant episode where Wesley would have to fight beautiful lady terrorists, and he'd fall in love with one of them, West Side Story style. There would be no singing.

Oh, if you like vampires, don't worry, Welsey would have to fight a bunch of vampires trying to take over the plane. Then next week? The Wolfman.

This is important though, every week Welsey would have to say "Always bet on black."

Oooh! Maybe in the vampire episode, after he said it, Wesley as Blade (they can do that these days) would stand up and be all like "I believe that you mean 'Always bet on BLADE!'. And then, oh FUCK! They'd be shooting and cutting, and the only one spared the pain would be the advertisers.

And, of course, you. The viewer.

Exclusive PSP Game Review: "Man of the House"

2005-07-20T10:17:00.000-04:00

The PSP is short on games, but we can most certainly do better than this.

Itching for a new title, I picked this one up. It obviously features motion capture from Tommy Lee Jones which I thought would have at least warranted a blurb in one of the infinite gaming magazines I begrudgingly partake in, so I was surprised that I hadn't heard much about it.

I soon learned there was a good reason for that.

You play a Texas Ranger who must protect a group of cheerleaders who have witnessed a murder who must go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach and move in with the young women. Although the game's concept may sound intriguing, the wheels quickly come off after that.

CONTROL: Are you shitting me? It was quite possibly the least responsive control of any title ever made. Sometimes I would press the "Shoot" button, and nothing would happen for thirty minutes. Other times, TLJ would scowl when I hadn't even pressed the "Scowl" button.

Worse was attempting to control the Cedric the Entertainer character. As soon as I took hold I pressed the "Do Something Even Remotely Entertaining Button" and nothing happened for the entire game.

INSTRUCTION BOOKLET: Non-existent, so I was fundamentally guessing about the "Scowl" button.

REVIEWER'S TILT: 28, considering I'm R. Lee Ermey's great-grandnephew.

FAITHFULNESS: Incredible. I never saw the film, but I believe almost all the key scenes are here in the game.

LENGTH: Unforgivable. Maybe I was just having a great time, but it felt like this game was only about 97 minutes long.

GRAPHICS: Usually astounding, almost enough to be a saving grace though they occasionally stumble. There were many times when I could have sworn I was playing a film, but the poor rendering of Cedric the Entertainer quickly dissuaded me of that. Also? Jaggies.

REPLAY VALUE: This is relatively high, if only to replay the stage where Cedric and Tommy...well, I'll let you discover that gem for yourself.

Overall though, this could be the worst video game ever. To add insult to injury it's even more reinforcement that the game industry is out of ideas, as this remake pales in comparison to the original:

One of my favorite Sega CD games.

Please Step Off My Man Uwe Boll

2005-07-19T12:01:00.000-04:00

Look at him.

He didn't mean any harm. Maybe you didn't like his film "House of the Dead." Maybe you hated "Alone in the Dark." That's fine. Uwe's OK with that. I just read this interview again, and I can't help but say it: Uwe Boll is my man, and I'm going to need you to step off.

You think he doesn't care about gamers? You think he doesn't have feelings? Look at this quote about the recently completed "Bloodrayne."

UWE BOLL: It's unbelievable! It's a very interesting movie and the first Avid output is around three hours. So, it is a long movie but I will make it two hours in the end. It's definitely the longest movie I've done so far.

Look at that! You embarrassed him! He knows nobody wants to see a three-hour Uwe Boll film. So he's not going to do that to you. You people have SHATTERED his self-confidence:

...so we gave an offer out to [Ben Kingsley]'s agency and, to be honest, I thought he would refuse it. [He's] Gandhi, [an] Oscar-winning [actor]. He will never ever do it.

Normally, Uwe is a bit more realistic with his choices for actors. But hey, Uwe remembered you liked "True Romance" and he remembered that people seemed to enjoy "Kuffs." He was just trying to take care of you!

Uwe isn't vicious. He's broken. I think it's gone past the point of self-loathing, I mean, his self-worth is obviously in the shitter. But either his grasp of the language grows more tenuous by the second, or he may have just lost his mind:

The whole beginning of the movie, BloodRayne is like a freak in the circus, and people want to rape her, and she's like the attraction of the evening, and everybody in the arena of the circus is drunk and they throw her arms into water so the skin burns and then she must drink the blood of a goat [so] that she recovers.

Look at it people. You're staring into the mouth of madness. Ready for said madness to be flipped upon you, the reader?

Sometimes Uwe Boll makes a lot of sense.

The main point for me is, the same people writing that s**t on the Internet, these are the people that should be happy that someone is doing it, because the studio [doesn't] give a s**t, they would do only Erin Brockovich movies mixed with Van Helsing. You see all the comic book movies, yeah this is what the studio executives are "getting." 'Oh, I know it, because I read it 25 years ago.' But videogames, they have no lobby.

Uwe Boll is just a man. A Ger-man, but a man all the same. And sometimes, just sometimes, you might stop to consider that he may not be out of his mind. Maybe he's the sanest of us all.

Except for the shit about Van Helsing mixed with Erin Brockovich. I can't help you there, Uwe.

Now would you step off my man Uwe Boll?

P.S. Can we please start directing some of our Uwe rage at
Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton, Parker Bennett and Terry Runte? Screw them.

"Sharpe!" Cries the Infinite Night

2005-07-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

OK, as per the very kind Matthew Gallant's request in his delightful story at Computer Games Magazine Online I have completed the tale of Roger Sharpe, wherein I attempt to explain the effect of Roger Sharpe on gaming. Oh, here's Part 1 and Part 2.

After the Sharpe got all Jimmy Woods up on the New York City Council he began to get a little restless. I mean, sure, he still fought for justice across this great land, but his pinball time became more and more unsatisfying.

No one could beat him. It's said that he once beat 50 men in a pinball match at one time. (This is admittedly less impressive when you consider how hard it would have been for them to all reach the flipper buttons.)

Sharpe knew what he had to do. He had always known. That's what being omniscient MEANS, Holmes. He had to create his own pinball table, designed to exploit his own weaknesses, so tiny as to be imperceptible to humans.

That game was:

SHARPSHOOTER! I know, could he make it more obvious? I mean, you might as well call it "Sharpe Shooter: The game specially designed to best Roger Sharpe, the world's greatest living human." And look at that picture...remind you of anyone? This title was briefly sold to the public before it was discovered that no one other than Roger Sharpe could score higher than 17 on the table. When one young man lost his sight and left leg attempting to break 20, the game was pulled from the market.

Not even Sharp(e)Shooter could keep his attention span for long. One night, Roger Sharpe got a score in the game so very high that I am incapable of expressing it with rational numbers. That's about when the boredom set in.

As Roger sat down to his evening meal of 16 Faberge eggs, inspiration struck. It wasn't the game that he was too good for, it was pinball in general. Not only could the perfect game not involve pinball, it couldn't involve physics. Roger Sharpe beat physics.

I hate to interject here, because, again, I have no way of proving this, but I like to think that at this point somewhere in heaven Isaac Newton began crying on Fiorello LaGuardia's massive ectoplasmic shoulder. "I know, Isaac," he would say. "I know."

The perfect game had to be completely electronic, where physics, accursed physics held no sway. And, again, no pinball. There was only one other game though...one other thing besides pinball that could fire the imagination of the mighty Roger Sharpe: ping-pong.

And now you know...the rest of the story. Roger Sharpe invented video games.

And that, my friends, is why he is my videogaming hero.

...I Played the Silver Ball

2005-07-16T17:54:00.000-04:00

This is the second part of a two-part story. You can catch up here.

Roger Sharpe didn't get a high score in Galaga. He didn't design a hit videogame. He did something more. He fought (duh duh) for your right (duh duh duh) to piiiiiinball.

Sharpe wrote for The New York Times and Popular Mechanics on the subject, and even wrote his own book, titled (appropriately enough) "Pinball!" I have no idea what prompted his assault on the LaGuardia ban, but this is how I think it probably happened, with as many real facts included as humanly possible:

1776 conjures up a lot of different feelings in Americans, as it was the year that our forefathers killed the last living Native American, bathing the entire land in white light that killed all vegetation and replaced it with several Max and Erma's and some houses.

200 years later, as Americans celebrated the birth of the country, Roger Sharpe just wanted to play some freaking pinball.

As we've already discussed, the city government in NYC had decided that pinball should be designated as gambling because it was a game of chance. Sharpe realized that the only way to reverse the ban was to prove it was a game of skill. And the only way to do that was to beat every member of city council's ass in pinball.

As he was 10 feet tall, it was no trouble for Sharpe to throw a pinball table over each of his shoulders and kick open the doors of the New York City Council chambers. It's said, and I can't validate this, but it's said that every member of the council simultaneously pooped their respective gowns as their powdered wigs flew off of their heads as if by magic the moment they saw Roger Sharpe's supple wrists.

At some point, there were also sparks.

Sharpe threw the two tables on top of the council's bench and began to play one. One after another, they took their turns attempting to play Sharpe, each one falling, failing even to propel their ball through the first chute.

That was, until Bally Midway Williams, the junior member of the New York City Council took his turn.

BMW, as he was called by his few friends, was the 1970 World Champion Pinball Player, and Roger Sharpe began to sweat as BMW's score rose. His eyes darted around the court attempting find a friendly face. There were none.

His mind raced through the years, trying to find some image to propel him to a win, some time in his life when he felt truly inspired.

His answer came...from Fiorello LaGuardia.

Time after time, blow after blow, Sharpe remember LaGuardia beating that pinball machine. And Sharpe remembered, as fresh as the laundry, his promise to God.

That's when Roger Sharpe decided to play some goddamn pinball.

Stories vary on what happened next. Some say it was lightning, some say Sharpe rocked so hard that his ball was ejected from the table, but this much is known: by the end, Bally Midway Williams was dead, and you could once more play pinball in the Big Apple.

As I said, I don't know how accurate this story is. Some say that Sharpe was able to use his plunger to select which of six chutes he wanted the ball to roll down, and that was enough to convince the council to reverse the ban. But that seems a little ridiculous to me. I mean, come on, using only the plunger?

Ever Since I Was a Young Boy...

2005-07-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

When people talk about their gaming heroes, what names normally spring to their lips? Shigeru Miyamoto? Will Wright? Rick Dyer?

Today, I’d like to take a moment to talk about my personal video game hero: Roger Sharpe. But first, I have to back up about 65 years.

In 1941, there were no video games.

I know, I know it’s hard to believe, but in those days, people wasted their lives by manually hitting a metal ball, rather than by having the machines do it for them. They were the good old days of time wasting; the golden age, and Fiorello LaGuardia hated it. That wouldn’t be a big deal, except LaGuardia just happened to be the mayor of New York.

Pinball machines in those days had gotten a bad rap. Due to their placement in bars and clubs, pinball, fair or not, had a shadow of violence attached to it.

But the reason that the good mayor hated the game? He, like many at the time, believed that it was a game of chance. And we all know what that’s a euphemism for: gambling.

No, it’s not that the games were paying out money. You know what you won for your gambling? More fun. That’s right, you won escapism.

I know, I know, it’s silly, but there you have it. Look, that's him above. He just looks like a man who hates fun.

I should take this opportunity to admit I don't know anything about LaGuardia, but he happens to be the villian in our story, so there you go. (LaGuardia is also remembered for reading comic strips over the radio to New York's children during a citywide newspaper strike, so he probably wasn't a complete buzzkill.)

So, LaGuardia gets his ban passed, and what does he do to celebrate? He beats defenseless pinball machines to death with a sledgehammer, and pushes others into the East River. He would go on to do the same to 11,000 others.

Now, I have no way of proving this, but I like to believe that somewhere in that crowd of onlookers, a young boy named Roger Sharpe let a single tear slide down his face before swearing to God and Raymond Maloney that he would someday find a way to stop Fiorello LaGuardia.

To be continued...

Grand Theft DOIN' IT

2005-07-11T12:33:00.000-04:00

Here's a quick quiz. Which of the following activities is bad enough to merit the ESRB investigating your game to see if they should reconsider their "M" rating?

1. Murdering guys
2. Murdering girls
3. Murdering old ladies
4. Murdering hookers*
5. Burning down buildings with humans inside
6. Murdering police officers with a shotgun (* if crooked)
7. Drug use
8. Staggering amounts of car jacking
9. Assault
10. Sweet, sweet love making

(* denotes actions that could be considered vigilante justice)

If you guessed #10, you're horrifyingly right.

From The Age:

"While San Andreas is already full of violent behavior and sexual themes, the pornographic sex scenes push it over the edge," said David Walsh, founder of the Minneapolis-based National Institute on the Media and the Family, which issued a "nationwide parental alert" on Friday.

This just in: if you're a parent who lets your kids play games that would make Ted Nugent want to ban guns, then some hardcore American doin' it should not scare you off. You should celebrate! Your child's moral disintegration is that much closer to completion.

As a videogame vigilante, I'm willing to say the thing that everyone else is afraid to. Videogames are supposed to be fun. You know what's more fun than watching some good old-fashioned doin' it? Paramount's Kings Island. Other than that? Nothing.

So lighten up, parents! Although your children will probably never burn down a building or murder a cop, they will, more than likely, make love at some point. Watching the act in a videogame is sure to make them a more caring and skilled lover.

If you don't buy that...then what are you so worried about?

Great Minds in Gaming Vol. 1: "The Last of The Mogeekans"

2005-07-08T11:13:00.000-04:00

If you walk in to your first day as a game designer, and you see Rick Dyer there, don't even trip, cause Rick's gonna make it all OK. You know why?

Because the Rick is out of his dome.

At home, Rick has a bed. On that bed there are posts. On those posts, there are notches. You know what those notches are called? "Dragon's Lair", "Dragon's Lair II: Time Warp", and "Space Ace." That's right, Rick created them all.

In an age when we were playing with little blocks that almost looked like dudes, Rick was like Proricktheus, stealing fire from the gods, and making you think every videogame graphic you'd seen up to that point was just a cruel, cruel joke.

Eventually, the graphics caught up to the Rick, but he wouldn't be stopped. You know what he went and did?

HE CREATED ANOTHER DIMENSION.

His game "Time Traveler" used nearly impossible to control 3D cowboy holograms, which I suppose is the dream of every gamer, if only secretly. That's right. Enjoy your 2D games, Cro-Magnons, because Uncle Rick is kicking height, width, AND depth.

You know what else Rick was done with, besides the second dimension? Making money. After his laserdisc games, Ricky decided he was too good for profits, and I couldn't help but agree.

Rick's been in the game so long, you know what he calls himself?
"The Last of the Mohicans", and I swear to God that's true.

More recently, Rick combined his genius in laser discs and his mastery over dimensions to create "Dragon's Lair 3D"!

"Hey, you got brilliance in my innovation!"
"Well, you got innovation in my brilliance!"
"What do we have here? Dragon's Lair 3D."

What could be next for the Rick? I don't know. I couldn't even attempt to begin to think about preparing to scale the Everest that is his brilliance. Will it be a game that uses smell? Will it be a game that kicks you in the crotch? I don't know. But I do know this: it will be brilliant, and it won't make very much money.

...You know, on second thought, if you walk in on your first day as a game designer and you see Rick Dyer, you should probably go get a second job at Rent-A-Wreck, and stuff all your money in a big squishy mattress so it doesn't disappear. Then you can procede to not even trip, cause Rick's gonna make it all OK.

Stemware

2005-07-07T10:58:00.000-04:00

Barrels? No thanks. Crates? Eat it.

I've been playing a lot of "Destroy All Humans" lately, and I've got my finger on the pulse of the newest gaming convention to be beat into the ground.

Brain stems.

In "Destroy All Humans", the point of the game, your whole raison d'etre is collecting human brain stems, and the joy I derive from it registers slightly above "Gacy" on the fucked-up scale.

Here's the basic idea: You electrocute a human, searing the flesh until the creature has perished. Then, you think at it so fucking hard that its brainstem pops out of its body. Then you collect the HUMAN BRAIN STEM and trade it for goods and services.

Sometimes, alternately, you shoot a probe into the human's butt that then burrows through the soon-to-be-carcass until the brain stem is ejected from the head.

Sure, it's all couched in a whimsical pseudo B-movie setting, but that doesn't hide the fact that it's grisly in a way that makes Grand Theft Auto want to vomit in a corner.

Oh sure, there are other weapons in the game, like a Disintegrator Ray and grenades, but they destroy the delicious brainstem and therefore are of no use to me.

What I'm looking forward to is this facet of gameplay extending into other genres and franchises. I want to feed brainstems to my Pokemon. I want Solid Snake to battle a Metal Gear made from a brain stem that used to be his father but is actually a clone from the future that actually is from a clone of a robot of Revolver Ocelot's brain stem. I want disgustingly fat 34-year-olds to drool over Lara Croft's olivary bodies.

What's great is how easily brain stems compliment every other hackneyed gaming convention. You know what Nazis all have? You guessed it, nephew: brain stems.

10 years from now you’ll be treated to droves of lazy journalists complaining about the overuse of brainstems in games. You'll have press releases featuring phrases like "...now with graphics so crisp you can differentiate the medulla oblongata from the pons..." There will be a day, mark my words, when you will tire of collecting brainstems in the same way that you never want to see a gold coin as long as you live.

That day, thankfully, is not today, and I'll gladly collect human brainstems and trade them for anything from weapon upgrades to a Jose Canseco rookie card.

Oh, and "Destroy All Humans" is rated T for Teen. Thank you, ESRB. Maybe in the sequel when you use the HUMAN BRAIN STEMS to beat hookers to death that will merit a Mature rating.

"Wizard!"

2005-07-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

Video games and movies are sort of like white clothes and all the days after Labor Day. They don’t mix. That was, until the release of Nintendo Studios’ "The Wizard." (I should take this opportunity to mention that Nintendo Studios is not exactly real but I couldn’t figure out who actually made this movie. It should be noted also that I use the phrases “couldn’t” and “was too lazy to” pretty much interchangeably).

The Wizard is the story of Jimmy Woods. No, not smoldering Hollywood heavy James Woods, but close: he's a young autistic boy, who has an amazing talent for video games. You may think youre little brother's good at Halo 2, but he's not. Compared to Jimmy, he's like a chimpanzee ramming his forehead into the buttons.

Jimmy’s brothers are TV’s Fred Savage and "Kuffs"’ Christian Slater. The only word Jimmy will say is “California”, so in his infinite knowledge of child psychology Fred decides his best plan of action would be to take Jimmy to California. They abandon their dad (portrayed by the better half of The Fabulous Baker Boys, Beau Bridges, who is pretty much just picking up his paycheck here.) Once they get to the Earthquake State, Fred and Kuffs ruthlessly exploit Jimmy’s gift in Video Armageddon, the Olympics of video gaming. Along the way they meet up with a young girl who accuses the lead villian of touching her breasts, which takes the movie into an erotic tailspin that I'm not at all comfortable with.

Of course, all the heavy petting shenanigans come to an end when the gang meets video game champ Lucas, who powerfully wields the powerful power of the power-laden “POWER GLOVE!”

When Lucas has his kid-lackeys bring his Power Glove to him in a steel-reinforced briefcase, one expects them to pull it out dripping in lamb's blood. I kept waiting for one of the kids to scream, ”It’s….soooo…. beautifuuullllll!!!!!!!!” as his face melts off “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style. It almost makes you forget that the Power Glove was a crummy piece of plastic that almost fit your hand and was almost compatible with three games.

The climax centers on whether or not Jimmy can score 50,000 points in Super Mario Bros. 3. It hadn't been released at the time and is heralded through out the last half of the movie as “The New Game”, to remind kids that after today everything they played before are the “Old Games” and if they’re stuck playing those then their parents must not love them.

The finest scene, I believe, is when young Jimmy repeatedly asks brother Christian Slater if he, in fact, believes it is "white boy day" before being murdered by him. Upon repeated viewings I have been unable to find this scene, and now believe I simply extracted it from my memory of "True Romance."

I think "The Wizard" is best summarized by Amazon.com user “Rob”, who had this to say about the movie:

“I seen this movie when it first came into theaters with a couple of friends, and we all had a great time. I remember my friend John saying "how did he know about the whistle? I have got to tell my friend about that when I get home." All who seen this movie know Jimmy's good, but he ain't pyshic :-) but it was sure cool. I liked watching Jimmy play and the one liners in the movie like "I love the power glove, it's soo bad!"

Indeed Robert, indeed.

Spins a Web, Wins My Heart

2005-07-02T10:49:00.000-04:00

You know, any time people want to decry licensed games, these are the syllables I want to cast at them: "Spi", "Man" and "Der," although not necessarily in that order. The fact that they're basing a game on the Ultimate Spider-Man series is enough to get me through the dark times.

Apparently, in this new iteration I'll get to play as Venom, which doesn't captivate me as much as it does the rest of the comic-reading public. I always tended to lump Venom fans in with those kids in high school who set fires and cut themselves before being picked up by their grandma and little sister.

Spider-Man 2 was fantastic though, so good that as you swung through a realistically modeled New York, you could actually understand how Spidey could pass up snuggling with Kirsten Dunst to punch robbers and just generally gallivant.

In Spider-Man 2, you could visit anywhere on Manhattan island. I have to tell you, when I made digital Spider-Man visit Ground Zero (represented with little grandeur by a well-lit parking lot,) I actually think he was digitally moved for a while after. He would still punch guys with the proportionate strength of a spider, but you could tell his heart wasn't really in it.

Never forget, people: strength of a spider, heart…of a man.

The one quibble I had was being forced to use my incredible powers to fetch balloons out of the sky for toddlers. Is this what you wanted Uncle Ben? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? (By the way, your rice? Delicious.)

The game actually got me in trouble a lot because I would catch myself describing to people it as realistic. Like, "It's so realistic, it's exactly what Spider-Man must feel like!"

I believe that's what alcoholics call a "moment of clarity."

The Worst Super-hero Origin Ever

2005-07-01T10:10:00.000-04:00

This just in from the AP:

N.H. Boy Hit By Lightning Through Video Game Controls

Teen Expected To Recover

POSTED: 11:58 am EDT June 30, 2005

MIDDLETON,N.H.-- A 14-year-old boy was injured Wednesday afternoon when lightning traveled through a television set and a video game controller the boy was holding in Middleton.

A family member said David Robinson became disoriented and was taken to a hospital, but is expected to recover.

You know what's difficult about a story like this? Trying to imagine ways to make it funnier. I'll be honest, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, this kid should already get the Don Rickles Award for Maximum Jocularity.

If there was a Highlander game then my joke writes itself, and it's gold.

It's a bit funnier if I imagine him informing everyone his team that the Warthog/Rockets/Sword are "his," because he is the "best" with them, at the exact moment that the electricity courses through his body.

And it's also pretty funny if you imagine him playing "Hey You, Pikachu!" when it happened, but this would have to be five years ago for that to be plausible.

It's of course hysterical if you imagine him pooping himself, but I'll be damned if I can tie that to video games.

Scoop It Up

2005-06-30T16:39:00.000-04:00

Quick, click that picture. Seriously, right now. OK, that's a screenshot from Project Gotham Racing 3 for the Xbox 360. I know, you don't normally get excited about screenshots. It's for the newbs. I hear you, sweetheart. But, look at that picture!

I literally want to eat it.

I want to scoop it up in my arms, run to my bedroom, tell my girlfriend I have five headaches and fall asleep with it. Here's the kicker:

I don't really like racing games.

Big ups to Kotaku for the pic.

R.O.B. 2.0

2005-06-30T15:09:00.000-04:00

So apparently, the PS3 is going to have such an incredibly powerful brain that Uncle Sam is going to use it to power his army of Voltrons. Now, do me a solid. Search your local forum, find the guy making War Games jokes, and kick him in the e-teeth.